Richard Kriheli

The speculative room was labled “Living Spaces of the Future” or something like it. It had floating appliances and lots of shiny gadgets and unrecognizable washrooms. I was about 8 years old and I was mesmerized by this display at Disney’s Epcot Center. The Jetsons never really impressed me, but this coupled with an onslaught of Sci-Fi TV shows and feature length flicks had me completely sold. I saw the future. Well, at least someone else’s vision of the future. Apparently, it was a vision shared by many. Behold, the twenty-first century and beyond will be filled with flying cars and floating gadgets!

Fast forward to today. We are several months already into the second decade of the millenium and I am thinking back to those very impressionable days. We have come a long way, in some cases. I remember my family purchasing a super-expensive set of encyclopedia books filling up an entire wall of our tiny apartment so my sister and I wouldn’t have to run all the way to the library to finish our homework. Now kids are a keyword or two in a search bar away from the same information. That is progress. In a recent CNN article, Bob Green illustrates three innovations that have permanently changed this country over the past century. It got me thinking that with everything created that was handy and broke new ground there must also be inventions that have gone really nowhere. Because, lets face it – those visions everyone had for twenty-ten are somewhat a bit off. That said, I’d like to cover 3 innovations that pretty much went nowhere. We’ll lovingly call these : the stalled innovations, or just simply “the stalls.”

Stall # 1. The Umbrella.
Can I get a big “COME ON?” Really? Is this the best thing we, as a species, can come up up with to ward off rain? How many effin’ umbrellas do I have to go through in my lifetime before I can officially deem the invention useless? Don’t even get me started on rain coats. In a world where splitting atoms with lasers, cloning live animals and turning Michael Jackson from black to white is reality, you would think that we could come up with something better than a handle/stick with layered nylon triggered by a spring? Way to represent advancement in technology, guys.

Stall # 2. The Steering Wheel.
This is a less obvious invention because we’ve come a long way in automotive technology but we actually still have the trusty ol’ steering wheel? This is something that was created in 1894, and other than look and some additional functionality, hasn’t really advanced past the time when our great-grandparents were children. I understand a serious modification would come with a steep learning curve and judging by the way most folks drive, I figure nobody wants to hedge their bets. But people, this is not the future. Steering wheels in 2010? Yikes.

Stall # 3. Toilets.
Particularly public ones. Holy crap, folks. I’ve seldom walked into any public bathroom where I didn’t feel like I was in a zoo. Way to be primitive, America. Plastic frames and spring hinges are commonplace in this country. We are the floating turd of the civilized world. Recently, I spent a month in Thailand (a country most dub ‘third world’), and almost every modern public toilet facility there at the very least had a little spray attachment to assist in cleanliness. Living in what is supposed to be the capital of the world (NYC) with one of the poorest reputations for cleanliness is straight head-hanging shameful. This invention has taken a back seat to progress and has shown little to no promise.

In 1944 George Orwell wrote a classic dystopian novel with a murkier version of what I was drawn to in Epcot forty years later. I wonder though, what exactly are we promising the kids today? Are we still pushing flying cars? Or are the visions a bit more modest? In Orwell’s novel, and even Bob Green’s essay, emphasis is focused on progressive innovations (be it useful or questionable). That is smart, and I am all for it. But I can speak for myself and many others, that we can go a long way if we just cleaned up a few stalls along the way.

Santa was always a tough sell for me. With the current economy laying an egg, I’m no fool: I know there is no shiny new Macbook Pro waiting for me under the tree, courtesy Mr.Claus. But, hell, even as a child, I wasn’t expecting jolly ol’ Nick to be making any cameos in my household. Not because I was a bad apple or anything — nope. It’s all because of where I grew up – Queens. To be frank, I wondered how any kid around my neighborhood could believe that Santa would venture ’round our neck of the woods. My pea-sized pre-K brain was positive that reason and logistics in this case were way off. That said, my childhood holidays were pretty much wrecked from the go.

Recently, I found this old pic of myself and Santa in some mall, circa 1977. At close examination, the apprehension and doubt painted all over my little face is clear as day. I wonder if this blatant lack of faith messed with the dreams of those around me. I suddenly feel terrible. This time of the year (or any time for that matter) should be spent with more positive energy and less skepticism. So, I feel it’s time for me make amends with ol’ Kringle. Here goes:

Dear Santa,

Alright, I suck. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you when I was three. Can you blame me, though? Forgive me for wondering how you could maneuver around Queens in your bright red suit without getting mugged. Hey, the 70s-80s were a rough time. I apologize for telling you not to bother with my building because of the security cameras. Reindeer flying or not, I was sure there was no way you were lugging around a bunch of Ataris through the projects just to make your way to my neck of the woods. I was just a little kid and I didn’t know the importance of your presence/presents. So I shall compose a little jingle verse in hopes you can absolve my childhood deriliction:

Money is tight ’round the country
you must be busy fielding requests
I know I’ve been naughty, even at three
now your word will live at my behest

Tis the season, or so they say
But don’t let my mood kill your glow
I shall spread your word every day
so try get me a Macbook Pro

Sincerely,

- Rich from Rego Park

In short, I can get behind this Santa thing now. Even though I am back in Queens for the time being, I think a little good juju (especially out of me) will go far. With NYC looking more like Minnesota everyday, I see no reason why we can’t leave our collective cookies and milk out and have some faith, for a change. Ho ho ho.

Dear MTA,

Yesterday, I was in between tracks on my iPhone when not-so-ironically, my train too, was in between tracks. The announcement that followed instructed that the R-train was going over the V-line because of construction at 59th/Lex. It got me thinking. Let’s see: I’ve lived in New York for over 33 years now and every weekend for as long as I can remember – there has been “construction” announcements and train re-routings. Even during the maddening holiday-shopping weekends!

My question to you is: what exactly are you constructing? Something profound and immense, I hope. I mean, Citi Field and the new Yankee Stadium were built in a little over 2 years. I have seen a complete transformation of Columbus Circle in the blink of an eye as well. I am positive you have something far more grand with all those years logged. A whole new speed-of-sound bullet train system? A massive underground monument to celebrate the return of the Sumerian Gods? What is it? I see all the rats scurrying in an excited frenzy and we are experiencing more and more sick passenger delays. Goodie, goodie.

Humor me and tell me you are not lying to your loyal and overly tolerant city. Yes, I say tolerant. What other word would you use for a city that does not question the “work” that is being done without any demand for a status update. Please don’t tell me that “construction” is just a code word for “we don’t work weekends.” I mean I’ve seen my one-way fare hike up from 75 cents to the two dollar mark it is today. Surely, that should cover paying some extra folks working the weekends (especially since there are plenty of unemployed folks willing to chip in). And gee, the Metrocard afforded you the luxury of cutting the jobs of all the token-booth folks, so salaries shouldn’t be an obstacle, should they?

So . . . when should we expect this “construction” to conclude? Do we have an end-date? Can I get an invite to the press-release or unveiling-party? I am greatly interested, as are my fellow brethren. Show us the greatness that is being laid between the tracks. Unless of course, it is one fat goose egg.

Regards,

Strap-hanger # 10,021,974

Postscript: due to ongoing construction (of this blog), this is the last stop on the K-train. for service to the next post, please get off and take the free shuttle bus uptown.

I’ll trade you an Aston Martin for your 10×10 “master bedroom” off Central Park West. Yep, that’s what it will take. One million dollars gets you approximately 750 square feet in Manhattan these days. That’s $1500 a square foot. Insane. The abstract science of number, quantity and space is grossly distorted if you consider purchasing real estate in New York City. Unless of course, my math is wrong.

Up until college, I was good at math. I mean, really good. Let’s put it this way: I don’t remember getting anything wrong on any math exam dating between junior high and the time I reached college. Even in my SAT’s (680 out of 800 in the Math portion), I just didnt answer everything in time. I took all those honors math courses with the graphing calculator-carrying contingency. Complex algorithms were my bitch. Though I didn’t geek over any lame trig analogies and jokes, or join any math-teams/clubs/whatever, I wasn’t exactly divided either – Har har.

Division first came in the form of a roadblock in my Freshman year in Syracuse. I took a Business Calc class I thought would be a breeze. After botching my first quiz (88/100) and learning that there was no way to make up points, I quickly realized my pursuit of an A in the subject was futile without perfection. Perfection eluded me altogether as I stumbled over and over again. I finished up the semester with a 79 average – which thanks to a very skewed curve, earned me a big, fat D!

My analytical skills either took a major nosedive, or reverting to my love of the arts compromised my attention altogether. I like to think the latter happened, but every time I peruse real estate ads and do the math, I am left wondering if I did indeed forget how to calculate altogether. It is astonishing to visualize the distortion.

Simply put, the laws of arithmetic and logic go out the door when you attempt to rationalize your shoebox existence. So, I say fuck math. I look forward to the highly prophesized (and much anticipated) dip in the real estate market – just so I can get my calculations all right again. And maybe my focus will be somewhat integral, for a change.

Standing in a grocery checkout line in Chinatown, I was not expecting to witness any acquisitions of fortune outside of those bad one-liners in bland “cookies.” But when I saw the register flash “$943.54″ with an ecstatic, grinning customer handing over his credit card to the clerk, my interest was piqued. I was carefully studying the customer’s purchase, bewildered as to what is inside the little bag sitting on the scale. I suddenly got nervous that the bag of Chrysanthemum tea I was holding was going to eat my savings.

As he was gleefully signing his name on the receipt, I learned of this coveted treasure found oddly in a little store on Canal Street. The label read “White Gold”. It’s not the gold you see peddled on Ebay or in the Diamond District in Midtown that you hope will suffice as an adequate engagement gift. The gold I am writing about is what is otherwise known as edible Bird’s Nest. Yes, Bird’s Nest – I kid you not.

Apparantly the U.S. and Hong Kong are the biggest importers of these nests. According to many Asian cultures, Bird’s Nests provide benefits such as increased sex-drive, help with asthma, concentration, digestion, voice-clarity and above all – re-invigorating a failed immune system. None of this, of course, is proven medical fact – though, it doesn’t seem to stop demand. And the prices soar around $2000 USD a pound. The White Gold variation is the clearest and most rarest kind, although the prices of the reddish, blood stained ones seemed just as steep.

Naturally, I am thinking : This is genius! Where can I get my hands on this kind of stuff so I can profit as well? But wait! Before you go climbing any trees to pad that wallet of yours and open up your new Golden Empire, be warned: these things are very, very rare. And mostly can be found in the caves of Indonesia and the islands off southern Thailand.

That said, we may be better off conjuring up some kind of belief system around something just as idiosyncratic but original – like jarring French Bulldog Saliva. We can call it something crazy like Spit Pearls. Who’s with me?

The welcome mat to New York’s proverbial ‘melting pot’ has long been weathered and worn. In the past couple of decades, those from the outskirts of this country seem to have migrated here in droves. Despite the stereotypes New Yorkers have long been branded with – the outsiders were always greeted with open arms. Though, there is a common aphorism amongst native New Yorkers – more typically in the outer boroughs that goes something like:

“wipe your feet before you step in my house”

With the said influx of transplants, I am starting to feel as if the mat is being hopped over en route to our place. The landscape of New York is transfigured with folks from other cities rapidly becoming a significant portion of our population. It’s those same people that say “I’m from Brooklyn,” and you can instantly whiff the new blood.

So these newbies stand before the mat, and glaze it over, walk right in, chest brazen with that ever-so-bleached smile. The immigrants who came before them are jolted. The same people who paved the way, and made this city what it is today. Or, rather, what it was.

What it was? Here are just a few checklist highlights: The gentrificaton of Harlem and now Brooklyn. The transformation of Times Square into Disneyland. The entire island of Manhattan gradually resembling a midwestern strip mall. People creating “you’re a new yorker when…” lists, whose stay here has been shorter than my current lease. Venti Skim Mochiattos with no foam. I could go on, but you get the picture.

This whole thing reeks of something equivalent a new neighbor helping themselves to your fridge and remote. Hey, I’m a friendly guy – even by NYC standards. Go ahead, use my fridge and remote, no problem – but please show some manners. This city is great, and everyone should have equal access to it. But this metamorphosis gives me the creeps.

Bottom line is, the welcome mat is there for a reason. It is muddied, though dry, from endless traffic to and from our home. And yes, it bears the word “welcome” but maybe this word needs to be redefined, or changed altogether – just like the face of this city. Those from outside should take a minute to be conscious of this mat, woven with coarse materials – designed to last. And last, it will.

The other day, I overheard someone on the train crowing (with a friend) about her impending lease signing in the Bed-Stuy neighborhood of Brooklyn. She was glowing, beaming! I couldn’t place her accent but my money would have been on Memphis, Little Rock or say . . . Williamsburg. Not Williamsburg, Virginia – but Williamsburg, New York! What was clear to me in that moment was a glaring truth simmering over the past decade or so, something I didn’t want to ever admit to or believe – New York has lost face.

The gentrification of some New York City neighborhoods over the years has been stunning and in some respect, heartbreaking. Williamsburg looks more like the East Village than the actual East Village now. All of the former ‘rough’ areas are now fashionable real estate targets. Never in my dreams would I have imagined that Brooklyn would become “the place to be” or the hot-spot it is today. “Bushwick? No sweat – we have this beautiful, sunny luxury condo . . .”

While I am all for the decrease in crime, and seeing parts of New York revitalized, the tradeoff appears to be a rapidly deteriorating identity. Nowhere is this more unmistakable than in Brooklyn. What happened? I mean seriously. Brooklyn used to have grit and character. It was easy to distinguish Brooklynites from Manhattanites. Those rough neighborhoods used to evoke fear and paranoia from non-residents. Unless you were raised there, no one really desired to be there. Now, everyone I meet (it seems) hails from there. It’s their ‘hood. No, not Biloxi, but Brownsville! Where did all these transplants come from? And how did the turf transform to such lengths? The whole thing stinks, partly because Brooklyn is now borderline unrecognizable. What’s next? An amusement park in the “Boogie-Down” Bronx? Oh wait, the Yankees are already there. I suspect once the NBA transitions the New Jersey Nets hoops franchise to Brooklyn, the circus will only get worse (you’re welcome, Jay Z).

The day has finally come where I can watch Do The Right Thing or listen to Mos Def and feel like I am experiencing artifacts of history. Now, every time someone mentions hailing from Brooklyn, I feel the hair on my arms stand and my stomach feel like I had too many dirty-water hot dogs. And its not out of intimidation, but rather despondency.