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Open Letter to Juliet Burke

Letters & Spoofs


“It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!” B.S! Sun, you are not. But since you are being annointed as a good person on the ABC tragedy known as LOST, I figured I’d let you redeem yourself for real. Let you save some face. The show is about redemption, right? A lot to gain you have, Juliet – sans the Shakespearian babble.

Look, it is clear that those around you are obviously brain-dead (I’m lookin’ in your direction, James) and are missing the necessary screws to deduce that you hold some key knowledge that has yet to be shared. So, I will do question-asking for them since they are too busy self-indulging. Enter : a real interrogator. No, not Sayid who punked out when he had the chance. Call me Jack-like, if you will… not Jack Shephard, but Jack Bauer as I am about to employ Keifer-tactics to get some info out of you, Miss Burke.

Note: Please answer with a modicum of honesty, as we know the deceit you are capable of. This is a matter of national security, as many people are glued to their television sets like my wife and I in utter horror and frustration that these answers are not being gleamed – directly from the source. And I am here to prevent an all-out act of aggression against television writers near and afar. Copy that?

Have a seat at the interrogation table, Miss Burke.
(I throw the table violently aside and begin):

  1. Tell me everything you know about the Island! Start with the hieroglyphics and statue.
  2. Tell me everything you know about Ben Linus, Charles Widmore, Richard Alpert (a.k.a. RA) and most importantly Jacob.
  3. How are you time-hopping like the other 815’ers?
  4. Where did the firearm proficiency come from? Who trained you?
  5. Why are you still using your married name?
  6. What is your real agenda?

See, to me the sun sheds light. You shed nothing but that irksome smile of yours covering layers of pretense. In short, I don’t trust you. I shall not fall asleep at the wheel like the others, err… other-others (current 815’ers, otherwise known as the ’77 Dharma recruits). You will be sitting at my virtual interrogation table, and this charade and your motives will all be judged in the end until you start spitting out something to chew on. Soon.


Not Romeo. Not Jack. Simply, Rich.

Postscript: No offense to Elizabeth Mitchell, who is simply reading lines off a piece of paper. The real attack is directed, um… elsewhere.

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3 Responses to “Open Letter to Juliet Burke”

  1. kanun says:

    I want to know the answers of those questions too. Hmm..maybe James knew the answers of some questions, but it hasn’t been on air yet.

  2. Hank Blumenthal says:

    Yeah, for people marooned on an island they don’t talk much…

  3. Extramina says:

    I was invited to a pre-release screening of this movie on April 7th. Amanda Seyfried once again plays a character named Sophie who travels to Italy with her fianc? on a pre-honey moon. While apart she visits a spot in Verona where love lorn women write letters to Juliet. She finds a lost letter in the wall from 50 years ago and answers it. Clair receives the letter and visits Verona with her Grandson and both meet Sophie. The three set off to find her long lost lover. Much of the movie reminded me of Mamma Mia except set in Italy and without the ABBA songs. Vanessa Redgrave plays Clair who long ago lost her husband and still wears the ring her Italian love from years ago gave her. It was predictable that Sophie would fall for Clair’s grandson who is at first obnoxious and their dislike is mutual. The film ends with the lovers getting married and the new young lovers also falling for each other.

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