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9 Ways I’d Be Better Without the Mets

List of 9's

the metsSpring has sprung, though the thermometer begs to differ. This usually points to the start of yet another potentially heartbreaking season of New York Mets baseball. I’ve followed this team faithfully since the rise of Darryl in ’83, which means a quarter of a century has elapsed since. I sit here thinking about all the time and energy I have invested in my life as fan. I can’t help but lament at the time lost. When doing some simple arithmetic, I am looking back at roughly 530 aggregate days of my life spent on watching games, engaging in discussions, and other trite, related endeavors. That’s a lot of time, folks. I can’t hop back in time and give my younger-self some pointers, but it is worth doting on what a sans-Mets life would have looked like. Thus, I conjured up my latest list of nine, dedicated to ways my life would have been different had I not been a Mets fan (in no particular order):

I’d be nicer to neighbors.
Let’s face it, I live in a Yankee city. Everywhere I turn, I see Yankees paraphernalia despite most folks being bandwagon wannabe’s. I respect people who love baseball, and can have a legitimate argument about the sport. Somehow “Mike Piazza is gay” is not even worth a breath. So my love for baseball and the Mets, has turned me against my simple-minded neighbors, as I walk the streets with my bitter scowl. I believe taking the Mets out of the equation would have made me oblivious to their ineptitude.

I’d dress better.
My wardrobe is overrun with a bunch of jerseys and caps that would have Allen Iverson vouching for me. It certainly doesn’t help that my favorite all-time athlete was a serious drug-offender (thanks for that, Doc). I am certain that this fairly casual, nonchalant approach to fashion has singled me out, particularly in my younger years, when it wasn’t so commonplace to sport these type of clothes outside of the stadium. And this stuff isn’t cheap either. Definitely less green in my pocket as a result.

I’d have beaten Natalie Rodriguez’ boyfriend down.
Yes, I was blindsided in the junior-high schoolyard by some jackass thinking I was sweatin’ his girl. Truth is, I did look at her, and I had a nice beating to show for it. I get the feeling that less hours of sweatin’ the ’86 world champions could have translated into sweating more for the good of my physical prowess. This would effectively turn the table on that mess of a fight. I would whoop that guy’s ass now, but what if I did it in ’86?… cue the domino-effect taking full steam.

My adolescent social life would’ve rocked. (Less Mookie, More Hookie/Nookie)
Cutting Mets baseball would have meant going out more during my teens. I consciously chose to watch games in lieu of partying away my summers. I would have played more hookie in the fall with Maria Llompart, than watch Mookie steal bases. I could have at the very least scammed a bunch of amateurs at poker in those days. These kinds of shenanigans translate into a much richer teen social life.

I’d be a math genius.
I was already pretty stellar at math. But I never took it to the next level as my path had summoned. Partly because I was more concerned with the calculations of WHIP and OPS rather than any signifcant metric that would have really propelled “higher education.” Harvard or Yale could have been my bitches, folks. Instead, the pride of Flushing consumed me so much that even my later academic ventures were flushed by orange and blue.

I’d already have a child.
Last year, my wife and I spent time watching almost every inning that was available to us on SNY and ESPN. Close to five hundred hours that could have been better used towards procreating. Instead of watching the Mets piss away their season on the last day of September against the Marlins, I could have already been pissed on by our own giggling, crying little one. Me thinks that is far more rewarding piss.

I’d have less drama.
Every year, without fail I sit at the edge of my couch, biting my nails with my heart going bonkers as I watch the inevitable balloon burst (aside from 1986, of course). I wade through the news, rumors and quite frankly the drama that envelops this franchise. This same drama trickled down to every facet of my existence to the point that I became a magnet for it. Drama with my personal and professional life particularly. White hairs sprout from my chin with a ferocity. I’d be an ascended master with peace in my life, without the Mets.

I’d be rich, and not just by name.
Almost 2 years of my life has ticked away via swings and misses. There should be no misses when the fat pitches are right at my knees, begging me to take a big hack. I don’t think there would be as many whiffs had I focused my attention, energy and time on business. With my passion and devotion, I’d have invented Google, Facebook or at least the Snuggie and I’d be laughing my way to the bank right now. Instead, I’m still paying Mo Vaughn’s salary while hoping that Jose Reyes and David Wright bank in September.

I’d write better.
I’d certainly have a book or three done by now. With all the nuances that go into fiction writing including planning, architecting, editing, etc it is no wonder that I have still yet to complete a novel in my career. Yes, I have a modest backlog of short fiction and poetry, but I know I am capable of more than writing blogs about how the Mets jacked me. Here I am, throwing another valuable hour away from writing my debut masterpiece, waiting for CitiField to open its inaugural gates to yet another hair pulling, nail biting season. Wait, my hair is gone.

Regardless, I live my life minus regrets. I simply have no room for them. Rather, with all the time traveling going on these days on LOST, my mind tends to wander. Great, that’s exactly what I need – another diversion!

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7 Responses to “9 Ways I’d Be Better Without the Mets”

  1. Hugo says:

    Men you are a genius.

    I’m expecting to read your Book.

    You are the men.

    I Remember those damn mets with Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden.

  2. Qi says:

    #3: Natalie Rodriguez would have been proud. Was she hot at least?

    #9: I would have bought your book(s) (regardless of reading it or not 🙂

    It could have been worst off, like being a Yankee fan 🙂

  3. Maria says:

    Yeah you should have spent more time playing hookie with me, maybe you would have gotten more attention from Natalie :o) ! See you should have done it all for the nookie..the cookie now you can name that rookie…now that is f’in sad! Jk loved the list…very funny way to look at life, you the man Rich! So get started on those books that are MIA I need reading material.

  4. George says:

    Regret is a wasted emotion (but I enjoyed the story).

  5. Maria says:

    I see no regret in there just humor, I agree regret is a wasted emotion, that’s why I liked the list’s a funny and creative way to laugh at the road chosen.

  6. allie. says:

    dude. i know how deep the love of baseball runs in u. u freaking hugged a building & wouldn’t let go 4 like 10 minutes….. but really, now Rich… & listen 2 me like i am really wise & not just an insane person… it’s time u procreate. we need more of u out there. & besides that the feeling of elation will be given 2 u tenfold with u”re own child as it is 2 u’re favorite players’ homerun!!!!!!!!!
    ~blessed days ahead 4 u and u’rs,

  7. Olivia says:

    What a stellar post. Too bad for the Mets, I would have definitely bought your book.

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