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The Bastardization of the Bloodsucker

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vampireI vant to suck your… um, soul.

I’d like to formally declare that we can call the classic incarnation of the vampire as dead (for now). The body of the myth is completely flaccid. Rigor Mortis. Finis!

What brought upon this death? Was it an extra order of garlic-knots? A Walmart pistol with a silver bullet? An enormous cross searing into the soul of the legend? No it was not. The proverbial wooden stake through the heart is actually contemporary media and overly sympathetic, romantic artists. There, I said it. You guys killed off the vampire. Give yourselves a hand. (clap clap).

I can see it was a long battle that did not start overnight. It began in the late 70s when Anne Rice decided she wanted to romanticize the lore altogether. Suddenly, the formerly grotesque figure is sporting ruffles and satin shirts. Hollywood didn’t help matters – Frank Langella wasn’t exactly scaring the ladies off – with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise taking the reins shortly after. More recently, the success and hype behind the Angel, Buffy, True Blood and Twilight narratives are responsible for opening the shades and reducing the legend to dust. Stoker would be ashamed (though some would argue – myself included – that he partially contributed to this mess).

I’m disgusted by this loss because for a long time, I was a vampire-junkie. While I wasn’t exactly goth-crazy or anything, I really was fond of the rich history and folklore carried by the legend of vampires. My love of the horror film began with Nosferatu and the subsequent appreciation for old folk tales coming from Eastern Europe. I was a student of the mythos, as I was attempting to write a vampire story way back when, but then Charlie Huston beat me to a similar idea and I made some adjustments and changed gears (props to Mr. Huston, btw). You can say that I feel somewhat invested when I speak about the topic.

So, the bastardization of the bloodsucker is the blood on your hands. I call out to the audiences that give these monstrosities life and urge them to repel it. How much more of this nonsense can you take? You guys have literally sapped the tragedy out of the myth and turned it into 90210. Please stop. If I hear another story about “the most perfect man…” and he sports fangs, I will vomit.

But I digress. Instead of reading my eulogy, I want to offer this: I know folklore prevents the vampire from truly being destroyed. So it is my wish that contemporary writers do their homework and give me something fresh, new and … gruesome, for a change. And please, don’t suck (har har).

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6 Responses to “The Bastardization of the Bloodsucker”

  1. Starchild72 says:

    This movie is by no means a classic, but I think the vampires in “30 Days of Night” looked more like classic vampires than most modern movie vamps do.

  2. Jimmy says:

    Some people are afraid of big words…they can be confusing and all those syllables freak me out! Like instead of “bite” your neck they would probably say “Laceration”!!! Thats a scary word you have to admit

  3. John Erigo says:

    For me, the ultimate “vamp” movie was BRAM STOKER’s DRACULA with GARY OLDMAN. Nobody could do a better job of acting the part out than G.O. did! I agree–with this “Twilight” craze, everybody thinks you’re cool and “vamp” if you have frosted tips and stay out of the sun–give me a break! Go bite somebody–then you’re vamp! I can’t stand when “horror” movies come out and they’re rated PG13–are you for reel(mis-spelled on purpose!)?! Give me gore, give me be-headings! None of these 21st Century wimps would stand a chance against Vincent Price or Christopher Lee. JE

  4. Filthy Rich says:

    Starchild, you are right. “30 days…” is a step in the right direction. Sadly, it is Twilight that is dictating the lore these days.

  5. Sinful Vampire Lover says:


    Ok…as an adult woman in her 30’s, I’ll admit it: I read the Twilight books and I liked it. At first, I scoffed at the thought of a series or books about vampier/teen angst. However, I was “sucked” into reading them. Guess what? I got hooked. Didn’t think it would happen, but it did. Who cares? It was fun and also addictive. I read all four books over the span of a week. And when I say read, I mean…don’t sleep, don’t eat, go to the bathroom with the book, listen to the audio books while you drive, and don’t turn on the computer or TV. Yeah, it’s that addictive. And? I enjoyed it. The book was originally meant for teens. As a woman who is old enough to have a teen child of my own (but I don’t), anything that can motivate kids to read an actual book instead of playing video games or having BJ parties in their basements is great! Twilight is not meant to be a literary masterpiece. It just entertainment. Just like 90210, Melrose Place, and watching the Giants and Mets play on TV is. Stop ragging on it and maybe try to read it You might be surprised that you actually like it.

  6. Jo Treggiari says:

    For a fresh and literary take on the vampire myth try “Let the Right One In.” Sadly I cannot remember the author’s name. He’s swedish I believe. Scary and disturbing and they made a good movie out of it too.

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